June 3rd, 2022: Im honestly thinking about how im really making this website rn. I started this becasue social media was honestly so draining to my mental health. Ive been on the internet since I was 11 and I used it as a coping mech throughout most of my life. Overall it seemed mainly positive until I got older and started becoming really self consious about myself. I also got picked on alot in middle school for the dumbest things as well as into highschool. Idk I was never popular and it really hurt my self esteem because I would look at myself and tell myself I wasnt good enough. My last year of hs I started to almost kinda like look better if that made sense the looks were good but the self estem wasnt there girlys. I really let the ugliest bitches bully me. But anyway yea full circle to now and it feels really positive doing this blog. My cowerker even said to me "Omg put this on tictok it could blow up!" and it really made me think about how online presence isnt just for ourselves, or for our own validation. Its become for others, I think I care about what others think just so much that I dont have time to self reflect on who I am as a person what I want to look like or be like. Ive alwasy had intrests that would be considered "weird" where I live and I got made fun of alot for it. But now Im seen as really cool BECAUSE of those interests which has been really interesting as of late. The biggest example being citypop, OMG when I tell you I did not see citypop blowing up at all I was shook when I put on I think it was Bigwves "emotional Prism" and they were like OMG this is on tictok and I was like no fucking way lmfao. Full circle but I love future funk in general as well as Idol step. I know this is getting kinda long but my first entry is more like a first rant I guess! Its also so cool seeeing all the blogs on here having niche interests I feel less alone! Or omg volcaloid was so weird when I was younger, I would neverrrrrrr openly admit I was a fan of volcaloid but I spent all day watching those cringy MMD videos as well as even getting the program myself and having the uglisest beginner models. Literally the memories omg. Lastly, Ill talk more about the VIBEZ of this website in the about me page but I adore NANA and Ai Yazawas art. And also I love the movie Kamikaze Girls!! pretty self explanitory. Thanks for reading!
June 8th, 20222: I almost somewhat uneasy writting todays journal post. I Havent been feeling good as of late. Im starting to show signs of mental Illness as in like outworldy. Like Im obsessed with attention, becasue Ive just always been by myself that I crave attention so much that it hurts. Ive also just been feeling uneasy in general.Idk dealing with relationship issues is hard, especially when they did wrong and now it feels like your being abbandoned. It feels like my whole world is crashing down. Even to the point where I dont want to work on my website and thats pretty unusual of me. Also these posts might have a few spelling errors just because i dont feel like spellchecking them lol. but yea people have also been flaking on me recently and that feels pretty shitty but I cant get too mad because theyre flking for valid reasons but I feel like shit idk Im just not feeling great its too overstimulating to live right now...
Hey yall this is gonna be a somewhat short one almost a ramble but I literally broke up with my boyfriend recently and its just been a downward spiral. I work with him at my job and its hell because we see eachother and hes a piece of shit. Hes done so much to hurt me andI just want to leave this whole situation behind. I got a new job at barnes and nobles but they have been taking forever in hiring me Im really upset. As soon as the paper work is signed Im putting in my two weeks STAT. This job is literally awful and I cant wait to see what the new job brings! I like to say BAddies for Barnes because litrally no bad bitches work there, Ill be the first one at this particular barnes and nobles. We need more big tiddy bitches at barnes n nobles, but anyway. This whole relationship stuff has made me reaize that no matter what NEVEr trust men, EVER like ever its so crazy how someone can go behind your back like this and just lie to you so much its ridiculous. I gave my whole heart to someone and they just really fucked with me idk. Im high key scared that no one will like me ever again maybe (hopefully) ill be wrong. But it just seems like guys dont like me idk. I dont think im ugly and I dont think I have an AWFul personality. My friends say its becasue im looking and have had bad experiances so I just hope that true. So yea! I hope if your reading this you have wonderful day and stay safe!!
Update! So! Ive been called in to work this tuesdayy finally! I also have been getting out just a bit recently as well as exploring my music tastes as in just a whole bunch of Rnb to make me feel like a normal person idk lol. Ive been trying to update my instagram so that I seem like this hot person when in reality im pretty plain but to be honest ive been working on telling myself that Im not plain and that as faye says "Your not perfect but youve got alot to give!". Idk ive been feeling r/foreveralonefemale dating and ive been on countless internet forums on how to get a man and trying to just tell myself that one will come to me but Im realy tired of waiting honeslty the best way to get a man is to just run into one through mutual friends. Like honestly thats the only way people be like take up hobbies but like men dont really use hobbies as a way of love they use them for themselves! Which is honestly what I just need to do but Im about to go on this downward spiral of just chaos and I can feel it. Its been hard because Im so lonely that most nights it really hurts. Idk what to do I literally cry every single night and it honeslty hurts because i know Im not ughly and Ive got alot to give but I just feel like I look different so men dont like me idk. There nothing I can do but be myself. Im not to sure that someone will want a girl who plays rythm games all day and is obessed with acnh and visual kei bands but we will see! Im also really scared of hookups becasue like what If I get a std or a diesease like this fucking sux idk. But tommorow/tonight Im supposed to be going to a kickback so I hope it works out Im also seting up a online dating profile bc my bf said that I need to get out there idk Im like nervous as hell. SO yea! Im excited and nervous for what tomorrow brings so we shall see. If your reading this just remember that "your not perfect,but youve got alot to give!
=July 10th, Update! Ive come to realize that literally nobody wants to date blk women and it makes me low key depressed. Dating apps are honestly so toxic it makes me want to gag. I feel like the type of guys(blk) only like yt women it makes me sick lmfaooo. I feel like alot of black me alwyas date outside of their race all the time but if its reverse literally people see you as disgusting idk. Just everything sux. Ive been feeling worse lately which is why I havent been working on my website. Honestly life is just so ass evryday, idk what to do. Ive been trying to like refind myself and it just makes me want to gag its disgusting. Your 20s are awful and people told me that but jesus christ I didnt think It would be this fucking bad jesus christ omfg. Everything sux and I know I said that already but yea idk, I guess im gonna try to"take myself on dates' but everytime i do that the crustiest looking men approach me and when they do it ruins my whole mood then I go to the bathroom of wherever the hell I am and cry about how ugky I am bc I work so hard on my apperance and these men make me feel unhuman idk. Also the kickback nvr happen bc of some bullshit reason and my best friend canced on me today and I got her a tea but the plans were canceled so I got the tea for nothing yea! Also my ex has been acting funny towards me at work and it feel like disgusting as well as I have bills to pay and my mom sai she would help me with them but now collections are literally on our ass (about tuition) so yea im going thru alot and my grandmother is acting really funny and unwelcoming and Im scared of being alone and my mom is getting sicker and doesnt want anyone to help her and she lashes out at me alot but Im trying tto understand bc shes going througgh alot but Its really bad for my mental health and she gaslights me alot and says that alot of my trauma never happened and she always has something to judge me about and it makes me really sad. Also I havent registered for classes yet and yea I havent gotten advising and the art school I want to go to hasnt reached back to me yet. But hery I got some money from a relative but honestly the money just pathches up my felling temporarely and I hate it so yea!.
July 22th, so yea Im trying to stay positve but i just think alot about self harm these days. I feel basically worthless alot and idk waht to do. Im really sad today so Im just going to sleep it out. I dont have any more sleep medication and it sucks. I allso havent eaten all day which is really crazy. I kinda feel like its lo key self harm as well. Ive been talking to this guy but he just kinda ghosted me for like two whole days which is really fucked up. So yea, Its just a slow day passing I guess. Really depressed and dont have enough energy to leave my room and Im sick of just rotting here im not sure what to do bc I dont have any energy and yea.
August 10th! Not feeling great today which is honestly nothing new I feel like im waisting my time when talking to these random men to fill gaps whithin myself. Its defineately cuffing season and its hard to feel great. Also my therapist basically said that I was gonna be charched a hundred dollars for one session which is honestly bs so yea I just have to suffer in my own thought. Honestly I just take double the meds of what Im supposed to bc it hurts. Sometimes I also have gaps and forget idk. Obv my friends have been great to me but my own internal battles win. Im still really thankful for them and wouldnt trade them for the world. i just get really lonely sometimes when it comes to relationship stuff. I know I need to stop looking but Im really sad. In my entire life Ive never been desired by a man before. No man has eveer gone out of his way to like me or get with me and I geel like complete shit. Its definatley my daddy issues. Ive tried everything Ive lost weight,got good at makeup, worked on my socail skills, but nothing... My friends says its just enviorment and I hope shes right. I just feel undesirerable and I hate everthing about it. I know Im not ugly but its hard not telling myslef that. Its hard. Ive been self harm free for a hot minute but its getting hard. When ever I get urges I feel like a mental patient and I find it weird that my brain e=wants me to hit myself or do anything like that it takes a mentall toll on me. Im trying to look foward to the simple things like my birthday but Im very lonely rn and I cant stop crying
Sept 5th! My birthday is coming up soon (sept22) so im really excited for it! Im turning 21 and its a big milestone! Im really excited fro what the future brings to me but also somewhat anxious. The older I get the more anxious I become, Ive been feeling nausuas alot lately and Im not sure what to do. Im really scared but it just started happening recently and Im not sure on what Im supposed to do. I highly doubt Im pregnant but hey. Im literarly writing this right noe while feeling nauseaos so yea! At the festival I was so overstimulated it was crazy. Im starting to show sighns of mental illness even worse. I wanted to talk to this guy at school the other day and I started shaking violently and couldnt stop!. I thought my health was getting better but its getting worse physically. So yea that a mini update. So muh has happened but I just wanted to come back just for a brief second. I also want a tattoo. the end!
PLZ not my frien doing a 360 and saying it isnt wasnt fun on no lol. welp. Anyway today Im writing right before I east today, I also dont think I have another talking stage in me. Im over it IDGAF about what these niqqas are saying its getting annoying. Im getting irked then I just stop flirting and then yea I fucking hate it. Im literally just trying to fuck but they dont want to put in a grahm of work to get to that point and its annoying I think therye gonna ghost me today but honestly the feelings mutual(by uzi vert) So yea I hate it and Im broke right before my birthday so yea!( And Sick!!!) I night have to reschedule my nail appointment honestly which is not good and I wanna cry but the medication doesnt let me so Im lit at the same time so yea! Sept 10th!